I wish there was some way to literally and truly and completely and permanently blot my real nightmares out, but since there isn't, I must poke them way back into the darkest and most inaccessible corners and crevices of my brain, where perhaps they will eventually be covered over or become lost.
My dad didn’t let me use the computer in the basement this afternoon (I have Tumblr on my iPod) so I went downstairs anyway and unplugged the mouse. I put it in my sweatshirt, went up to the second floor, and hid the mouse in my dad’s pillow. Nice right? So 1. He’ll have fun sleeping tonight unless he notices 2. Won’t be able to use the computer if he doesn’t notice or he’ll enjoy trying to pull it back in through the back of the computer. My dad’s a dumbass. He had no right not let me use the “family computer” since other kids have their own computers and laptops. Anyways I find this all really funny. Really proud of myself. And I also feel accomplished tonight because I started reading Perks again. I read up to Part 2 and then stopped but I’ll probably read more tomorrow.
Anyways, my sister is also like the cutest thing. I was walking back from the bathroom and I saw a little light in her room. So there was my little sister, who’s only in 1st grade, reading a Cam Jansen book, under a glow stick. And I was like “oh my God you have to go go bed,” and all she said was that she had to finish the chapters. Isn’t that just adorable? And then she also started to tell me what the book was about and that she read like this every night and not to tell mom and dad. How cute.
After the dance, we left in Sam's pickup. Patrick was driving this time. As we approached the Fort Pitt Tunnel, Sam asked Patrick to pull to the side of the road. I didn't know what was going on. Sam then climbed int he back of the pickup, wearing nothing but her dance dress. She told Patrick to drive, and he got this simile on his face. I guess they had done this before. Anyway, patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. a beautiful song called “landslide.” when we got out of the tunnel, sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
Reblog this if you cut or you've thought about suicide. Or you think you're fat or ugly or hate something about yourself. If you're bullied every day and you cry yourself to sleep. I don't care, just reblog the fuck out of this because I have something to tell you.
Love of mine, someday you will die. But I'll be close behind. I'll follow you into the dark. No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white. Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark.
So today I had an awesome day. My family came over (aunts, uncles, cousins) and I had a great time. I pretty much had the time of my life and it was by far one of the best days I’ve had this year yet. But for some reason I feel angry. Actually I don’t even know how I feel. I don’t know what I want to do. Everyone was talking about the future and my mom mentioned something about what I’m going to be like in 10 years. And I was just sitting there thinking, “I don’t think I’ll still be here in 10 years, and none of you know that.” I think life truly is beautiful when I’m having a good time or I’m doing something I like, but when I’m not, it sucks. But unfortunately, the bad times take over the good times and my life pretty much consists of 85% shit and the rest fun. The worst part is I’m regretting planning on going with my brother to visit my family in Europe this summer. Why the fuck am I regretting this? I’ve been waiting for this all fucking year. It’s what’s been stopping me for killing myself, and bow I’m regretting it??? I have such mental issues. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Why am I here? It’d be so much easier not going through all this bullshit.